The story I did not want to tell (uncovered)

Grief is hard to bear, and the things you experience can often take you by surprise. One of those things for me was the feeling of being very vulnerable. I felt alone, but not just alone, I felt uncovered.

I knew my husband was my covering. I knew he was my protector. What I didn't realize was how I would feel when those things were gone. I felt like I needed to protect myself and I didn't know how. I felt exposed. Like I was standing in all my weakness and standing all alone.

I didn't know how to be around people without him. I didn't know how to be in my house. I didn't know how to be me. A lot of my identity was in being Ralph and Ruth or being Ralphs wife. It was a place of honor. And he was the head of our house. The place I leaned into.

I think being his caregiver and taking on so many physical responsibilities in our life made me forget the spiritual position he had.

I had such a good relationship God that I was completely taken sideways by how much I would have to rebuild that without my husband.

I never felt anything like I felt the loss of that covering.

I hadn't worn a wedding ring for years and now all of a sudden, I wish I had one. Something to remind people that I was married, my husband just lived in heaven.

My daughter bought a ring for me for Christmas. It was Ralphs birthstone and inside it says "Always". It did give me a place of grounding that I needed. I still wear it. Maybe always will. It was something tangible that said I was still me.

But there is that place only God can truly reach. And he will come where you are.

One day I was praying and God spoke to me and said, "I will be your covering".

I will be your protector.

Even when I tell this, I can't tell it to the full extent of what this meant to me. How exposed I felt and how knowing God saw that and pointed me to his provision. It was truly a gift that changed me.

It took me a while to fully lean into that protection and covering. I had to learn how. It is a work in progress, but I can say now I don't feel so exposed and alone as I did those months. God is so faithful.

He really does make our feet like hinds' feet to run upon our high places.

I am embracing my life more every day. And I feel like I miss Ralph more, but it is not the same debilitating grief and emptiness and vulnerable feeling that I had the first two years.

It is missing him being here for who he was to me, and who he was to the world, not just feeling this overwhelming emptiness nor that overwhelming vulnerability, I felt at first.

I feel like grief changes garments in the middle of the play sometimes. It is the leading man and then it is the villain. It is the weeping and then it is the fear. It is the anger and then it is the joyful memories. It is vulnerability and then it is the accuser. And you are just you. You trying to keep up with all the lines, the acts, the characters that are demanding you play your part.

Today, I am thankful I am not alone. I am thankful for my children and Grandchildren. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for prayer warriors and Word sharers. I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who is forever teaching me my role in the play. And I am thankful that my husband is in Heaven worshipping and serving around the throne of God.

A man he worked with for several years gave his heart to God last week. I had to smile at the thought that part of the rejoicing that went on in heaven that day for that one soul that repented was my husband with his loud booming voice.

Covered in his presence

This is a real walk and there is real grief, but I am so thankful that there is also real help and real hope, and joy really does come in the morning.

Psalm 91:1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say[a] to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”